On this spiritual path I began a few months ago, which is changing (or rather, evolving) day by day, I’m learning and discovering fascinating things and places where I feel a sense of belonging. What started as a few questions I asked myself—like whether all this effort is worthwhile, where I’m going, what my destiny is, and above all, countless whys—is leading me down the right path and to a reconnection with myself through something that has always been there, but which now has more presence and meaning than ever before.
To do this, the first thing I have to do is be honest with myself and shed everything that prevents me from walking and growing with coherence.
It’s not the first time in my life that I’ve peeled back layers to discover my true self, and you can always shed more until you connect with your own truth.
This past Sunday, I did something coherent. I took off the crosses that had been hanging from my ears for two years. That was the first step. The next was to reflect and continue asking questions. I found the answer yesterday, putting away those crosses and the other cross earrings, adding my crucifix pendants, which have been with me for so many years and have been a mark of my identity. The photos and videos are there. I even filmed one that hasn’t been released yet, in which I wear crosses. Now I have to ask myself if that video will be released or if I’ll film a new one.
For me, crosses have always been objects that symbolize my gothic side and my passion for cemeteries. They represent the gothic world. For other people, they are religious symbols, but in my world, they ceased to be so many years ago.
Within that framework, I had to make a decision. The symbols we wear represent us, and crosses no longer represent me. That’s why I’ve put them away. Life is full of stages, and for now, I’m closing this one. Time will tell if I’ll bring them out again, but I’m afraid it won’t be that way.
I’m becoming more and more myself, and I’m getting more and more answers. Now what I must do is keep walking and keep searching for the meaning of what I carry inside, both in my mind and in my heart.
I’m living through intense days for these reasons, discovering things that have always been within me, but which I couldn’t name. Sometimes putting a name to things brings you more peace, and at this stage of my life, I need inner peace more than ever, so I’ve decided to find names for things in order to also give myself a name. I’ve always been Javier, and I always will be, but what does it mean to be Javier? That’s the answer I’m searching for, and I’m going to find it.
