Categoría: English

I’ve always been a person who asks a lot of questions. Questions about others and, above all, about myself. I’m the first one who needs to understand myself, in order to understand how to navigate the world and how to continue growing, learning, and taking note of my mistakes. I’ve also always been self-critical and a perfectionist, which has led me to always try to give my best

These days I’m wondering why I’m still writing this blog, which started no less than twenty-three years ago. People don’t read blogs anymore, or at least not like they used to. So why do I do it? For myself, out of nostalgia, out of habit? I don’t know. Maybe a mixture of all three.

The fact is, for the moment I don’t feel like stopping, and not only that, but I’d like to recapture the spirit of the early years, when my thinking was more transgressive and visceral. Now it’s limited to «I’ve been in the studio,» «I’m writing this novel,» «I’m autistic and gifted»… I think that, if there aren’t people who follow me for who I am, it’s not interesting.

Chuck Palahniuk, Dennis Cooper, Bret Easton Ellis, and Douglas Coupland were my go-to writers in those years, my role models, and their way of thinking captivated me. That’s the spirit I want to recapture. They continue to be role models in my life, and now it’s time to remember that initial passion and rediscover myself, Javier the artist.

Will I be able to?

Yes.

Anxiety and depression are problems associated with autism and can be exacerbated by years of accumulated stress related to masking, discrimination for being different, bullying, the need to meet expectations, difficulties with socialization… They can even become chronic, as is my case. I’ve lived with anxiety and depression since adolescence, and my diagnosis confirmed they are chronic. Not knowing I was autistic didn’t help at all, so now I have tools to reduce the level of these issues after having learned to live with them, thinking that the origin was trauma—which it is—but not related to my childhood or adolescence, but rather to my experience with autism.
I’ve been going to therapy every week for a while now. This is helping me, not only to talk about things I’ve never told anyone, but also to understand myself much better so I can live more peacefully. The psychologist must be amazed by the life I’m telling her about, but it’s the life I’ve lived and the one that has brought me to this point.

Writing about the life I’ve lived is also helping me analyze myself, reinterpret my story, and love myself a little more—to treat myself with the kindness I haven’t had and to keep moving forward.

I also need to understand intelligence. Being gifted has to serve me for more than just surviving in a world that wasn’t made for me. That’s what I’m working on now.

I’ll just say one thing: I’M GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.

There are moments when the world stops demanding answers.

The mist erases the horizon. The path disappears. Names, obligations, and noise fade into the distance. All that remains is the damp earth, the chill against the skin, and a breath that slowly returns to its natural rhythm.

To kneel is not always an act of submission.

Sometimes, it is simply an act of stillness.

It is choosing, for a few moments, to let go of the need to control everything, to understand everything, to decide immediately what comes next. It is recognizing that true strength can also be found in lowering your head and listening.

We live surrounded by voices telling us who we should be, what we should desire, and how quickly we must move. We are taught to play roles, to hide what makes us different, to present a version of ourselves that others will accept.

Silence asks for none of that.

In silence, I can stand exactly as I am.

With my certainties and my doubts.

With my light and my darkness.

With what I have overcome and what still aches.

With the way I love, the way I feel, and the way I seek.

The figure kneeling in the mist is not waiting for a miracle.

He does not need the heavens to open or a voice to reveal the meaning of existence.

Perhaps all he needs is to remain there long enough to remember something the noise had almost made him forget:

That he is still alive.

That he is still searching.

That he is still free to choose how he will walk the road ahead.

Mist is not only confusion.

Sometimes, it is protection.

When we cannot see too far ahead, we stop living in fear of the destination and begin paying attention to the next step. The future is no longer an overwhelming distance. There is only the ground beneath our feet, the air filling our lungs, and the quiet invitation to keep walking.

Darkness is not always the absence of light.

Some truths only reveal themselves when the lights go out.

Some parts of us need the night before they are willing to emerge.

That is why I am drawn to monasteries, cemeteries, ancient ruins, distant bells, and paths wrapped in mist.

Not because I long for sadness,

but because these places remind me of something the modern world is always trying to make us forget:

Everything is fragile.

Everything changes.

Our time is limited.

Yet this awareness does not lead to despair.

It leads to truth.

To living without betraying ourselves.

To speaking only what truly matters.

To loving without shame.

To stopping the endless postponement of life.

To entering our own soul without fear of what we may find.

Today, I do not need to understand everything.

Today, it is enough to be still.

To breathe.

To listen.

Somewhere beyond the mist, the path is still there.

But before I continue walking,

I choose to remain in silence for a little while.

Not to escape the world,

but to return to it a little more fully myself.

For years I tried to become someone who fit in.
To smile when it was appropriate. To act as expected. To strive to appear “normal.”

Over time, I understood that the problem wasn’t being different. The problem was spending my life trying to hide it.

Discovering that I’m autistic didn’t change who I am. It changed how I understand my entire story.

Now I no longer want to be like anyone else.

I want to be a little more myself each day.

Perhaps we all, autistic or not, reach a point where we stop living to meet expectations and start living to be authentic.

And, interestingly, that’s where one begins to feel free.

A Spirituality Made of Silence, Beauty, and Truth

For a long time, I thought spirituality had to come with rules, definitive answers, and a specific way of understanding life. Now I’m beginning to see it differently.

For me, spirituality isn’t born of fear or obligation. It’s born of silence.

I find it when I walk alone, when I enter a cemetery and everything seems to stop, when I hear ancient voices rising in an empty church, when a melody touches me without my knowing why. I find it in the twilight, in the sound of bells, in the cold air, in worn stones, and in that feeling that life is much deeper than what we see each day.

I don’t need to understand everything.

It’s enough for me to stop.

To sit in silence. To breathe. To stop fighting my thoughts. To ask for nothing. To try to prove nothing. To remain for a few minutes before that which I cannot name, but which I sometimes feel close to.

My spirituality doesn’t seek to separate me from who I am. I don’t want to walk a path that forces me to hide my body, my sexuality, my contradictions, or my way of loving. I don’t believe that approaching the sacred should mean distancing oneself from oneself.

On the contrary.

I believe that a true inner journey should help us live with more honesty, more freedom, and more compassion. It should teach us to look at our wounds without shame, to accept our dark places, and to understand that beauty can exist there as well.

I’ve always been drawn to places that speak of the passage of time: cemeteries, ruins, monasteries, eroded statues, bare trees. I don’t perceive them merely as sad spaces. There’s a stillness in them that the modern world has almost lost.

They remind us that everything changes.

That everything ends.

And that precisely for that reason, we must truly live.

The spirituality I seek doesn’t promise a life without pain. Nor does it offer me easy solutions. What it offers me is a different way to traverse the darkness: with presence, with depth, and with the certainty that not everything that matters can be explained.

I want to learn to pray without repeating empty words.

To meditate without demanding that I empty my mind.

To listen to music as if opening a door.

To walk as if each step could bring me back to the present.

To recognize the sacred in love, in desire, in beauty, in chosen solitude, and in small moments of peace.

This new path is not about becoming someone else.

It’s about returning to myself.

About leaving behind the noise, inherited guilt, and ideas that were never truly mine. About discovering a spirituality that doesn’t punish me for existing, that doesn’t demand masks, and that doesn’t turn fear into a virtue.

A dark spirituality, yes, but not a desperate one.

A spirituality of candles, music, silence, and cemeteries.

An open, free, and profoundly human spirituality.

An inner place where I can enter just as I am.

My new album, Love Yourself, is available now. It’s been a year and a half working on the songs and their re-recordings, a journey where the concept has evolved over time.

Initially, it was going to be a soul album, and we started recording «Now I’m Jealous» and «Never Be Alone» at the end of 2024, right after finishing the recording sessions for the previous album, I’m Okay I’m Not. That’s why those songs seem to belong more to that album than to the sound of the new one, because they were songs I had written for I’m Okay I’m Not…

At the beginning of 2025, I decided I wasn’t happy with those songs and decided to re-record them with different tones, and those are the ones that appear on the new album. Meanwhile, I decided I wanted a more R&B album, and for the first time, mostly romantic songs with modern touches. That’s how «Make Me Free» came about, followed by «Lonely Night,» which had a mellow soul version that I really loved, «Just You And Me,» «Midnight Soul,» and «Feel My Fire,» my first hip-hop-based song. I tried to make it a rap, but it turned out that way, and it’s the only song I composed using a beat already made by my producer. I wanted the album to go in that direction, but then the song «Love Yourself» came along, and I fell in love with its synthpop style. I found my sound and knew right away that it was the best thing we had done in my entire discography. I realized that this was the direction we really needed to go.

At the beginning of this year, after recording the remix of «Make Me Free,» I asked my producer for a synthpop remix of «Lonely Night,» in the style of «Love Yourself.» I loved the production he did, and after recording it, I decided that should be the album version, and that I would keep the soul version, thinking about whether or not to use it at some point.

That’s why the album has a sound that incorporates many different styles. It has evolved over time, and the result is Love Yourself, a collection of songs I’m very happy with. It’s a kind of transition to what’s coming next and how it will arrive.
With this album, I’ve learned my path, my sound, my voice, and what I want to say. We’ve already started on the next one, and I have a very clear concept of what it will be, and I’m convinced it will be the best of all my work.

A lifetime of feeling different, the odd one out, not fitting in, not understanding people, the world, and always hearing the same phrases that reminded me of it, that made me understand I was a burden, that I wasn’t conventional and that I should be, but I neither wanted to nor could be conventional.

Finally, I decided to listen to those voices, look inside myself, and come to the conclusion that the answer might be that my brain is different. That led me to seek professional help and undergo a lot of tests that ended in a diagnosis with which I now know who I am, and in this way, I can continue with my life, or rather, begin to live. A new opportunity.

It turns out I’m autistic, and that’s why I’ve always had difficulties and lived with such awkwardness, while at the same time always getting ahead for another reason, which was another surprise: I’m also gifted.
In neuropsychology, it’s called being twice exceptional. My brain is not only different, but it’s very special. That gives me so many answers, rewrites my whole story, and above all, gives me peace and the tools to manage the exhaustion I’ve carried after years of putting up with it, thinking that what was happening to me was normal, that it happened to everyone.

Now, finally, I’m ready to live my life. It’s never too late.
It turns out you are special, Javier, and it’s about time you started loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and taking advantage of everything that lies ahead.

Love Yourself, the lead single of my next album, is out!

Stream here:

SPOTIFY

APPLE MUSIC

YOUTUBE MUSIC VIDEO

YOUTUBE AUDIO

AMAZON MUSIC

Love Yourself, the lead single from my upcoming album, will be out this Friday, June 5th. Synthpop for nostalgic dreamers.

Another visit to the Madrid Book Fair. It’s the third year in a row that I won’t be signing books, and also the third year that I haven’t had any novels in bookstores or any plans for new publications. Now I’m approaching everything very differently. Of course, I’m going to publish again; it’s just that I’m going through a reset, a return to square one. I’m back to being the twenty-year-old Javier who started out in this world of literature, and I’m doing it without frustration, without the anxiety of waiting for everything to happen right away. Things will happen, and, most importantly, I’m starting to do everything for myself and not for others. Writing, singing, taking photographs without expecting anything from anyone makes everything purer, more real, and the result more authentic. I’m in another stage of my life where I’m learning not to get angry, where I’m getting to know myself, because I already know who I am, because everything I’ve experienced until now was true, but at the same time, it was a lie.

These days I’m rewriting all the memories of my life in my mind, because now they have an explanation, and above all, knowing who I am at last makes sense, and I feel freer than ever. Above all, I have more desire to do things than I ever have before.

Yes, it’s another rebirth, and I feel that life is giving me a new opportunity to be myself and to finally try to learn how to be a little happy. Will I succeed? I don’t know, because a very long road lies ahead, one that, on the other hand, I intend to travel.